Because of the first step, I am able to ask for and accept help quicker. I am powerless over many areas of my life, but not helpless. I had a sponsor who used to say to me, if something really makes me angry, then I am usually powerless over it.
I certainly became willing to listen to suggestions. I feel that my surrender has opened up the rest of the program to me: the fellowship, the steps, service. Today, 12 years later, I still need and use the first step in my recovery. This addict needed to be isolated in a foreign country where I didn't speak the language well, where there were no SCA meetings to finally be willing to do whatever it took to stay sober. I had to be humbled in order to see my powerlessness. I couldn't even learn the language of the country where I lived, since I would constantly run out to the men's room to cruise during language class. I couldn't work because I would rather act out than look for a job. I couldn't stop acting out when I wanted. As for the second part of the first step, my life had become completely unmanageable. But "we"-my higher power, the program, the fellowship, and finally me-were stronger than the addiction. I have learned that once I start arguing with my disease, I've lost. I could no longer go in gay bars alone, or parks with acting out areas. I could no longer go into public men's rooms. I could no longer run in and out of tea rooms or cruising areas. When I finally admitted complete defeat, I started to get better. It was just a dreary and demeaning addiction over which I had no control. I still got payoffs: validation, escape, adventure. I was constantly teasing my disease because I thought I had some control over my acting out. I realized that in order to stay sober I had to stop acting out. I had never felt so bad about acting out. Within three weeks I was back in the midst of my addiction-but this time without the support of SCA meetings and fellowship. I managed to attain eight months on my sexual recovery plan when I had moved to Europe.
Three years later, I came crawling back to SCA, ready to take the first step. When my boyfriend returned at the end of the summer, I left the program since he was obviously the solution to my sexual addiction. Straight out of a deviant psychology textbook. I hated the label "sexual compulsive"-it sounded so clinical. I had a compulsive sexual problem, not an addiction. I was almost a year in a relationship and my boyfriend had to go away for the summer. I had come in because I wanted to be good. The program was just a year old at the time, and consisted mostly of members regaling each other with their acting out adventures. I first arrived at SCA in the summer of 1983. We admitted we were powerless over sexual compulsion - that our lives had become unmanageable.
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